Ray and the Bearback Gear Team,

I’d like to open by stating that I’ve been thinking about this letter for quite some time now. Before a single word was typed, I spent time on several occasions considering what Bearback Gear meant to me, the experiences I’ve had both with and through the brand, and how much the brand has grown and changed in the years since my first order. Quite frankly, Bearback Gear changed how I approached time in the bedroom. I’m grateful for that, but the overall message I’d like to convey is that I’m concerned with the volatility of the brand and how some of the recent decisions related to marketing and product offerings could threaten the longevity of a brand that I believe to care deeply about the community and groups it serves. This open letter is written from a place of admiration and appreciation, and I sincerely hope that it may provide helpful insight.

BB Lubes

My entry point to Bearback Gear was through the lubes. While it’s been a few years, I vaguely recall my introduction to the brand coming through an Instagram ad for The Best Bearback Lube Ever. At the time, I was using a big brand silicone lube that did the job, but left a lot to be desired in terms of how it felt and the sheer amount of product and re-application needed to get the job done in the bedroom. I remember being a bit shocked by the price, but I took a chance and ordered a jar to try. However, that risk paid off immediately, and from that point, I practically refused to play without a Bearback Gear lube. For a while, I practically evangelized Bearback Gear lubes. I don’t have a head count, but I suspect I’ve converted a good number of friends and partners (present and past) through even just one session with a Bearback Gear lube. Some of my friends would joke about how into Bearback Gear lubes I was, particularly after seeing me eager to talk about them when the topic of lube came up in casual conversation.

Cum Towels

The next step towards making me something of an unpaid spokesperson for Bearback Gear was experiencing the cum towels. I used to use cheap hand towels (or similar) for cleanup after sex or a solo session, so the cum towels were a game-changer. Between how soft each towel is and the fun designs (especially those that represent the different communities I’m proud to be a part of), the cum towels have always felt like a luxury. At this point, I have so many that I’ve lost count of how many I have (it’s difficult when at least one or two are always making their way through the wash).

Cum Cover

The Cum Cover was a third point where my love for Bearback Gear grew. I was more skeptical about the Cum Cover than the lubes or cum towels, but the idea of something dedicated to protecting the bed (or whatever surface) from the inevitable messes that can come from a good time was fascinating. I ordered my Cum Cover early and it’s been used nearly every time I have sex.

Reflecting on this and the prior two product categories, the common thread between these products is that they’re simple and they do their job well. They also support the experience rather than trying to be the experience.

Versatile: The First Luxury Utility Jock with Interchangeable Lube Holster

Unfortunately, Versatile is where Bearback Gear started losing me. The initial prospect of “the lube company” making a jockstrap was interesting, but I was blown away by how much the brand seemed to invest in this jockstrap being a central part of “the Bearback experience.” Contrary to the products I’d come to know and love, Versatile was marketed as an experience, and an experience that came with many bells and whistles for the price of $300. I remember talking with friends about Versatile shortly after its launch. Most of the time, the NFC tag and the lube holster were perceived as being interesting, but the conversation always ended with the price tag. After all, $300 is A LOT to ask for a jockstrap. I remember telling myself that I couldn’t justify buying a single piece of underwear for $300, even if it did all the things that Versatile did. At the time, the most expensive piece of underwear I’d purchased was maybe $40, and that felt steep!

I did end up buying Versatile (though at a third of its launch price) and it still sits in my underwear drawer. As a piece of underwear, it’s comfy and the black mesh-y look is nice (though admittedly I could use a little more room in the front). After so many conversations about how good a $300 jockstrap could be, I wanted to figure out the answer, even if just to satisfy my own interest in the question. The reality of my experience with Versatile has been that the bells and whistles are fun to talk about, but they’re much less practical in real life. One of the most confusing parts of the experience was how the NFC functionality required a subscription to use beyond an initial free trial. You’d think that a $300 pair of underwear wouldn’t need a subscription to take advantage of, but alas, that’s not the case with Versatile! At the end of the day, I primarily just use Versatile as a jockstrap without the lube holster, and I overwrote the NFC tag to get rid of the ridiculous need for a subscription service. All in all, I might pay $50 at most for this pair of underwear, and I suspect I’m alone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen another pair of Versatile in the real world or even outside of Bearback Gear marketing.

Where I think Versatile went wrong is that it tried to do so much and to be the experience rather than supporting the experience. Even setting aside my direct experience with Versatile, the marketing seemed to signal a shift in Bearback Gear’s strategy; one in which the brand would focus more on making products like Versatile that center around being a luxury experience in themselves and offering so many bells and whistles at a “luxury” price point. That signal felt like a threat to the Bearback experience I came to know and love, one where Bearback is a partner helping me make the most out of time spent in the bedroom without getting in the way. This felt even more true when it seemed like the lube side of the business slowed down in the interest of selling Versatile and stock of Bearback lubes were more scarce.

Recent “End of an Era” Marketing Campaign

The real breaking point for me was the “End of an Era” marketing campaign. Quite frankly, when the first email from this campaign reached my inbox, I thought it was all over. Reading through the first part of the email’s copy, it seemed like Versatile (and a potential miscalculation in the impact Versatile would make) might’ve caused Bearback Gear to fall into ruin, and that I’d have to look for a new source of high-quality lube and cum towels moving forward. Friends who received the same emails reached out to me as if someone I loved dearly passed away unexpectedly. Unfortunately, emotion got the best of me and I bought some of the products placed on sale before reading through the full copy of that same email to find that “end of an era” was really more of a marketing ploy designed to lead people to think that Bearback Gear was closing its doors for good (and to purchase what remained of the lubes, cum towels, and other goods).

Once I read all the way through that initial email, I felt so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed. A brand that I’d previously been happy to say great things about in the past not only fooled me into making a large purchase, but people in my social circles (that I influenced to get into Bearback’s goods), too. Even with the first email, this marketing campaign felt malicious in its intent, using the premise that Bearback Gear was going away for good to drive sales. The emails that came after it weren’t any better and continued to play up this false concept that the business was shutting down to encourage purchasing behavior. It felt like the brand was doubling down on this toxic marketing tactic in ways that didn’t feel like the Bearback Gear I’d come to know over the years.

I’ll take accountability for believing what the initial copy of the initial “End of an Era” email implied without continuing to read. That’s on me. However, I think Bearback Gear should be ashamed of this campaign and how incredibly misleading it was. This campaign caused me to lose my trust in the brand and to immediately distance myself from it. Nowadays, when lube or related goods come up in conversation, I usually abstain from the conversation, primarily because I feel I can no longer recommend Bearback Gear due to the “End of an Era” marketing campaign. I still use Bearback lubes, cum towels, and the Cum Cover privately, but I feel a lot of uncertainty about buying more because of this campaign and the harm it caused to my perception of brand and its integrity. It sucks to think about looking for another place to find these goods, but I can’t justify supporting a business that uses scare tactics to encourage sales.

A Social Media Platform, Sex Parties, and a Skincare Sister Brand???

With my confidence in Bearback Gear already broken, the announcement that the brand was launching a social media platform felt like another sign that it was time to move on. This move felt like a sign that Bearback Gear had lost its direction, and that those behind it were using the rhetoric of establishing a platform without censorship to justify the move. The kicker for me was finding that joining the platform required a monthly subscription. Contrary to my experience with Versatile, I haven’t paid into figuring out what this social media platform is like. I might’ve given it a shot if I could join for free, and maybe I’d consider upgrading to a paid membership if I found value in being on the platform. Frankly, Bearback Gear could’ve stood up a Mastodon instance and been able to accomplish the same goals without requiring users to pay (and probably would be more successful with that approach), but after the “End of an Era” campaign, Bearback Gear holding out their hand for money and asking for me to have the opportunity to give them more time and attention felt absurd.

Some of the more recent developments have been equally head-scratching, specifically Bearback Gear hosting a sex party at a motel and launching a skincare sister brand. I’m intrigued about the skincare brand, but the sex party seemed like another sign that Bearback Gear had lost its direction (especially with its “no surprises” policy which excluded trans men from being able to attend).

Please, Go Back to Basics

At this point, it might feel like I’m shitting on Bearback Gear and their recent business choices, but I assure you that this all has a purpose. Specifically, I’m writing this letter to ask that Bearback Gear return to the things that made me fall in love with the brand; the “basics” that took my sexual experiences from “decent” to “excellent.” I don’t want to join another social platform, I don’t need a Swiss Army knife of a jockstrap, I need lubes, cum towels, and other accessories that I can depend on to elevate the experiences of having a good time with others (and myself). While it has been interesting seeing how the business has explored growth opportunities, Bearback Gear (in my eyes) excels at being a supportive force, one which supplies things to help me connect with my friends, partners, and the occasional other without making a big deal about itself or relying on extreme tactics to try to get or keep my attention. I’d be excited to see more products that support fun and healthy sexual experiences and how Bearback Gear can innovate in that space. That to me is the niche where the brand performed best, and where Bearback Gear made the biggest difference.

I hope this might prove insightful to the Bearback team, and that you might consider my request as you look at how to grow and develop Bearback Gear as a brand.

With Care,

Handler David

What Is Collaring?

Collaring as it relates to the worlds of kink and BDSM is an act in which a Dominant and a submissive formalize their dynamic (typically using an artifact like a collar as the symbol of this formalized dynamic). While collaring isn’t specific to pet play, collaring has been present in the context of BDSM since at least the 1950s (if not longer; the history is fuzzy in this regard) in dynamics such as Master-slave.

Why Is Collaring Important?

While the specific significance of collaring varies between different people and dynamics, the symbolism of the collar tends to be a common theme that makes collaring important. Specifically, the collar represents the dynamic between Dominant and submissive and the commitment associated with that dynamic. Secondarily, for those outside the dynamic, the collar symbolizes a sense of ownership, which is important in particular in social or dungeon-like settings.

The Three-Collar System Explained

In The Three-Collar System, three distinct collars are used to signify the different stages of a dynamic between a Dominant and a submissive and the progression therein. With this system, the Dominant provides and owns each collar (rather than the submissive owning the collar) and the submissive is expected to wear the collar matching the stage corresponding with the current state of dynamic. Provided this, the following sub-sections are structured in the context of the collar associated with each stage.

The Collar of Consideration

The Collar of Consideration, typically blue leather in appearance, symbolizes the beginning of a D/s dynamic and a mutual interest in the pursuit of the relationship. While a submissive wears the Collar of Consideration, either party may terminate the dynamic at any time with minimal impact should they determine that the dynamic does not function as intended or satisfy the needs of the Dominant and/or the submissive. This stage can alternatively be described as a “trial period” for the dynamic. During this period, it is expected that the Dominant and the submissive will discuss the dynamic on a deeper level, identify the intended length of the “trial period,” and, upon the end of the period, determine whether to proceed to the next stage of the dynamic.

The Training Collar

Should the Dominant and the submissive wish to proceed beyond the Collar of Consideration and continue the progression of the dynamic, the Dominant will provide the submissive a Training Collar. This collar, traditionally red or black leather in appearance, signifies the continued formalization of the dynamic and the Dominant will begin incorporating more strict training and discipline into the dynamic.

The Formal Collar

Finally, should the submissive receive both a Collar of Consideration and a Training Collar and the Dominant and the submissive wish to continue to deepen the dynamic, the Dominant will provide the submissive a Formal Collar. This collar signifies a sense of deep devotion, respect, and consideration between the Dominant and the submissive and is typically a black leather adorned with brass or silver embellishments, custom designed and made for or by the Dominant.

Why Use This System?

While there are plenty of other collaring systems, I personally like The Three-Collar System for its simplicity and the symbolism of the different collars. I think it’s a great system for those newer to kink as well as seasoned kinksters with plenty of flexibility to tweak and adjust if desired.

As I’ll be discussing the word in this post, I’m looking through the lens of “Daddy” as an honorific, a term used to show respect to a Dominant, and why I’ve become more selective about who can call me “Daddy.”

What is an Honorific?

For those who may be unaware or would like a refresher, “honorifics” in the BDSM world are specific terms used to describe individuals in Dominant or submissive roles. For example, a Dominant may be referred to as “Sir,” “Master,” or (as most relevant to this post) “Daddy.” There are also honorifics for submissives such as “pup,” “girl,” “slave,” and “bitch.” I recommend asking someone which honorifics you may use with them (if any) before making an assumption for best results, as not everyone likes using all honorifics (even if role-appropriate).

My Relationship with Honorifics

I feel I have an odd relationship with honorifics. While I see their value, I suspect I’m pickier than most about the honorifics I’ll allow others to use to refer to me. For example, “Master” is a hard “no” for me. “Sir” doesn’t feel quite right most of the time, “Handler” is more than fine, but there’s been something about “Daddy” that stands out from the rest. To a certain extent, I think this comes from a desire I have to care for those I’m fond of and see as my chosen family. I see a true “Daddy” as one who cares for their own and it’s something I aspire to be when I wake up every morning. However, this creates a conflict of sorts with how “Daddy” tends to be used in our society today (and particularly in gay culture).

Being called “Daddy” by someone I don’t know or don’t have a certain bond with feels out of place. With how I’ve thought about the term, it feels like something that only those in my “inner circle” should be able to call me, something special for those people to use. I’ve found that some others also ascribe a certain importance or intimacy with the term (most relevant to this conversation, submissives), which has given me pause to my prior approach of allowing anyone to call me Daddy. It can be flattering for a “random” submissive to call me Daddy, but I’ve found that the short-lived novelty of that sensation may be massively outweighed in cases where a submissive develops feelings that aren’t reciprocated.

With where I stand today, I’m not opposed to being “Daddy” by any means, but, for me, it’s an honorific I feel I need to earn through my actions rather than assuming or simply being given. That is, I only deserve to be “Daddy” if I’m living up to the meaning I’ve assigned to the honorific.

Closing Thoughts

While “Daddy” isn’t completely off limits as an honorific for me, exploring how I feel about it has helped me frame in my mind how I view honorifics and the power they hold. It’ll be interesting to see if I feel as strongly about other honorifics as language evolves and the kink world changes with it.

Early Adopter

I remember being very intrigued when I initially heard about (and immediately starting reading about) Plufl. The company was hyperfocused on napping, despite openly calling their product a “dog bed for humans.” How could they miss the associations people might make between their product and BDSM?! Maybe Noah and Yuki are extremely pure of mind, maybe not. Regardless, after seeing their product, I quickly had a vision for how that product could be used in my life: a bed for my pup to curl up and nap in while staying over. Initially, the $500 price point of Plufl kept me from pre-ordering one, but it was all over when I received my annual bonus from work and suddenly had some “extra” money to play with. I placed my order for a “Pioneer Edition” Plufl in January 2023 and received it in May of the same year.

There were times during the four month wait that I wondered if I would ever receive the Plufl. The guidance I was provided when I ordered in January was that the Plufl I ordered would ship in mid-April. Mid-April came and went with no Plufl. I remember checking their website after mid-April passed and found their website was down. To be honest, I thought Plufl as a company shut down and took my money with it. After all, how does a company that sells $500 dog beds stay afloat in this economy? Thankfully, a few days later I received an email from Plufl providing an update: the new delivery target was May. A few days into May, it was finally here.

Assembly wasn’t terrible, but with the sheer size of the product, I’d argue that it’s absolutely a two-person job. In a matter of a few minutes, I went from having a box I’d been patiently waiting for over four months to “the thing.” I laughed a bit once it was fully assembled because it felt so absurd in the moment. Before me was a $500 dog bed made for humans in my home taking up quite a bit of space. I took a little break to process that information, but finally knew it was time to put the Plufl through its first test. I sat down in the Plufl and stretched out. The outer “ring” was very squishy in a way I like, but the padding on the bottom was just “okay” for me. It wasn’t terrible, but it also wasn’t going to replace the mattress of my bed any time soon (however, I did sleep in it a couple nights). Maybe this was a conscious decision as a product designed for napping.

The Million-Dollar Question

Now that I had the Plufl in my home, it was time to put it to the real test. Would my pup like it? Would he love it? Would he be indifferent? There was only one way to find out and $500 was at stake.

Zander knew the dog bed was coming and was excited about it. That excitement only grew once I told him it arrived and I sent along a photo of the Plufl next to my cat’s bed for scale.

After a couple days passed, the day had come. Zander was home with me, in his gear, and wiggling with excitement as the pup examined the dog bed. He crawled over to the Plufl, got in, and immediately cuddled into its fluffy cover. It was an instant hit, and he fit perfectly inside it. Multiple times after this moment I’d heard how comfortable it is and how he could easily nap in it. Success! I let out a sigh of relief and ran to my home studio to grab my camera. I knew I needed to capture this moment and how overwhelmingly cute Zander looked in the Plufl.

A Second Opinion

A few days later, I had an opportunity to hang out with a local pup friend. He was going to be coming over, and most likely would come equipped with his pup gear. He also knew the Plufl was coming and was interested in seeing what it would be like. The pup came over and almost immediately made a beeline for the dog bed. While this pup was taller than mine (though is excellent at making himself “small”), he shared similar thoughts on how comfortable it was. Later on, he even (I believe unintentionally) fell asleep in the bed while waiting for me to finish delivering a training in the studio. It was at this point I knew Plufl was onto something and absolutely missing out on an opportunity to tap into the pet play world.

Closing Thoughts

Plufl, “call” me. Let’s talk about how you can break into the world of pet play and put the “dog” back into “Human Dog Bed.” 😉

In this article, I’ll break down my thoughts on what it means to be a Handler, why someone should consider being a Handler, and my perspective on what makes a “good” Handler. With this, please keep in mind that the thoughts laid out in this article are primarily based on my personal views and are not meant to be an objective guide to being a Handler. As stated in my article introducing pet play, “there is no single ‘right’ way to enjoy pet play,” and therefore you may find your personal views are different from mine.

What Does It Mean to Be a Handler?

At the most basic level, I see a Handler as someone who commits to serve as a caretaker in the pet play community. Most commonly, this might mean being the caretaker for one or more pets that you’ve collared (i.e., a caretaker to specific pets), but I believe it’s also important to recognize the caretakers in our community that might not have pets of their own (and particularly those who choose to express their Handler side by acting as a caretaker for the community as a whole). As members of the community who tend to not experience a headspace, Handlers are also the human companions to pets in the community. Handlers assume the responsibility of the care and and safety of their pets, similar to how a person would do so for a bio-dog. Handlers can also make great leaders in the community, especially those who take the time to connect with those in roles different from their own to understand how we as a community can work better together and ultimately help our community grow. In my mind, the specifics beyond these concepts are up to the specific Handlers and pets involved, as not all Handler-pet dynamics are the same in terms of scope and depth. Lastly, for those who observe the Dominant/submissive (“D/s”) model of relationship dynamics, a Handler is also a type of dominant. We’ll talk more on this point specifically as we discuss what makes a “good” Handler.

Why Be a Handler?

One might wonder, “When you can be a pet, why be a Handler?” After all, pets have all these fun pieces of gear and experiences! While that is true (and the market for similarly fun Handler gear seems to be small at the moment), being a Handler has many benefits.

It’s Fun

First and foremost, being a Handler is fun. Handlers get the joy of playing with (consenting) pets and both loving and being loved by them (especially those a Handler may choose to collar). I’ve found myself at the bottom of a cuddle puddle a couple of times and highly recommend it.

Develop a Bond with Your Pet(s)

One of the more rewarding parts of being a Handler for me is the bond I get to share and nurture with my pup. Through training, play, and enjoying time together both in and out of headspace, the bond between pet and Handler is something truly special.

Serve Your Community

Another reason to become a Handler is to serve the pet play community. This is a great option for Handlers that don’t have pets of their own or those who prefer to be more of a “communal Handler” that focuses on fostering their community. Handlers like this are invaluable, especially at social events where it’s important to ensure that pets are enjoying their headspaces in a safe and affirming way.

What Makes a “Good” Handler?

While there is no objective definition of a “good” Handler necessarily, I think there are a few things that make a Handler stand out among others; things which I strive to live up to in my own practice. Most notably, I believe a good Handler is respectful to their community and its members, mindful of consent and power dynamics, and committed to the care of their pets and community.

Respectful to Their Community and Its Members

One of the most important qualities of a Handler in my eyes is that a Handler is respect for their community and its members. To me, this means a good Handler should approach every interaction in the community with respect for those involved and the community as a whole. Sometimes, this can also mean that a Handler should ensure others in the community are respecting each other. This can be especially important in settings like moshes where pets in headspace may eschew certain thought processes or behaviors (often unintentionally) as they get deeper into the mindset of their pet of choice. By respecting their community and its members, a Handler can help both their local communities and the broader pet play world be a positive and affirming community for all and encourage a culture of respect globally.

Mindful of Consent and Power Dynamics

Another critically important quality of a Handler (and an extension of the first quality in certain respects) is mindfulness of consent and power dynamics. Inherently, the Handler role tends to be viewed as a dominant role, and with that can come a sense of power that needs to be carefully examined and wielded. I subscribe to the school of thought that a dominant’s power comes from their submissives, and that a dominant does not have the right to wield such power without the consent of their submissive. That is, a Handler should not assume they have power over anyone unless explicitly given that power and being granted power over another person is a privilege, not a right. This goes hand in hand with respecting consent, as a Handler should not assume that they have consent to do something unless they have received consent to do that thing from the people involved. Being a Handler does not grant a person blanket consent to do as they please with pets or other members of the community.

Let’s break this down with an example. I’m part of a few online communities consisting of thousands of pets, Handlers, and other folks in the pet play world. Often, Handlers make up a small fraction of these communities, which can intensify the perception of a Handler’s power in such communities. In my model of how a Handler should conduct themselves, I am not entitled to treat a pet (or anyone else for that matter) as lesser than myself unless a given person tells me otherwise (or, in other words, grants me that privilege). If I’m talking with a pet in one of those communities, I should treat them as my equal if not better unless they have asked or provided me consent to treat them another way (and, ideally, we’ve discussed the parameters for such treatment). After all, at the end of the day, everyone in the community is human and deserves to be treated with the decency and respect one would expect of a fellow human.

Committed to the Care of Their Pets and Community

Another pillar of what makes a good Handler from my perspective is that Handlers are committed to the care of their pets and their community. While I think every member of our community should be committed to these to some extent, I think it’s especially important for Handlers as the “humans” of the community to ensure they are creating safe and positive environments. However, I don’t expect every Handler to become a leader in their local community or do extravagant things to improve the community; even just being present as a Handler and making sure every individual you interact with is safe and respected goes a long way.

Closing Thoughts

This article has been a challenge to write. In particular, I’ve spent weeks thinking about what I think makes a good Handler and how that might relate to my own practice as a Handler. I might update this article from time to time to reflect new thoughts and perspectives I develop over time, but I think the guiding principles outlined above cover a lot of ground on my personal views on the matter. At the end of the day, Handlers are a unique and special role in the pet play community, but the role of Handler does come with responsibilities and considerations that can make a difference.

Happy handling!

Before going you read too far in this article, I’d like to stress that while this article tends to reflect common beliefs and practices in pet play as I’ve observed them; it’s not meant to dictate how any one particular person should enjoy pet play. Everyone tends to practice pet play in their own way, so don’t be afraid to “stray” if it might mean you enjoy your practice more. There is no single “right” way to enjoy pet play.

What is Pet Play?

Pet play (as I like to define it, at least) is an interest centered around folks who like to embody and enjoy the headspace of pets (most traditionally, dogs or “pups”) and the people who love them. That is, the primary group of participants in pet play (“pets”) enjoy the experience of what’s called the “headspace” of their animal(s) of choice, setting aside the challenges and complexities of daily human life and embracing the relative simplicity of the mind of a pet. Other participants in pet play tend to play more “supporting” roles in the space, such as Handlers and Trainers (no need to worry about what these mean just yet), and may or may not enter a headspace of their own as part of their participation.

A (Very Quick) History of Pet Play

Despite its increasing popularity and visibility, pet play has been around for quite some time, with some earlier forms of pet play being observed in the early 1900s. Some argue that the roots of pet play go back even further. Many of the historical forms of pet play center around embodying the mindset (and in some cases, appearance) of an animal, but the specific executions on that concept tend to vary over time.

The forms of pet play seen today took shape around the same time as the dawn of the Leather scene, but there is debate about whether pet play technically falls under the Leather “umbrella.”

Headspace

The term “headspace” is important in the pet play community, but can be hard to understand without experiencing it firsthand. To explain it broadly, a headspace is a state of mind, often separate from one’s “normal” state of mind. As it relates to pet play, headspace is a state of mind in which a pet sets aside their human thoughts and emotions and emulates those of the animal of their choice. Sometimes, this is referred to as “pet headspace” or “petspace.” For Handlers and Trainers, this may be referred to as “Handler/Trainer headspace.”

One of the more fascinating things about headspaces is how they can lead to changes in those who employ them. Headspaces can lead to changes in how a person speaks, thinks, moves, and even values things. In some cases, those changes can be very dramatic. In other cases, the changes may be more subtle. Everyone experiences headspace differently!

Roles in Pet Play

When someone interested in pet play introduces themselves, they’ll typically describe themselves in part by sharing what their role is in the community. These roles distinguish different types of pet play enjoyers and can enforce certain power dynamics between different individuals in the community. Among the most popular roles are pets, pups, kitties, Handlers, and Trainers. Some (but not all) dynamics in pet play follow the Dominant/submissive (“D/s” for short) model from the BDSM community. This means that in pairs of people following this model, there is one individual who assumes a Dominant role (who assumes power over the other person) and another who assumes a submissive role (by “submitting” to the other person). This is often seen at play when observing pet play dynamics such as Handler-pup and Alpha-beta, which can have inherent power structures built in, but not all those in the pet play world adopt such dynamics. In fact, some dynamics in the community don’t include a power dynamic, or those involved may see each other as equals.

Pets, Pups, and Kittens, Oh My

The most common role in pet play (and rightly so) is a pet, or someone who enjoys the experience of the pet headspace. While the most traditional (and arguably most common) form of pet is a “pup” (someone who embodies the headspace of a dog or puppy), pets can embody the headspace of just about any animal. Other common pet types are kittens and bunnies, though pets don’t have to identify with animals that are commonly kept as pets (I’ve met a dragon or two in my day). Many pets participate in part of a pack or have a Handler or Trainer, but some either are or choose to be independent (commonly referred to as “stray” pets).

Pets vs. Furries

You may be wondering, isn’t a pet basically just a furry? While there is some overlap with regard to the animalistic nature of pet play (and there is certainly overlap between those who are pets and those who are furries), pets and furries are not one and the same. Though I don’t remember where I read or heard this (if anyone does know, please reach out so I can provide appropriate credit), there’s a great way to distinguish pets from furries: pets are humans who like to embody the traits of animals and furries are “animals” who like to embody the traits of humans. When you put it that way, pets are almost like anti-furries.

Pack Dynamics

Many pups (especially those of the canine persuasion) may choose to integrate pack dynamics into their relationships with other pets. Simply put, a “pack” is a formally-established group of pets, similar to a chosen family. While members of a pack tend to establish formal in-pack roles for themselves, it’s worth noting that packs may be very fluid with how these roles are expressed or even what roles might apply to a given pet in a pack in a given moment based on the situation they’re in or who they’re with.

Alphas

The “leader” of a pack, Alphas are the most dominant pets in a pack. Pets in other roles look up to Alphas and respect their authority, and in turn Alphas care for their betas, deltas, and omegas.

Betas

Betas can be thought of like “second in command” in the dominance hierarchy. They acknowledge their Alphas as their Dominants and deltas and omegas as their submissives. Sometimes a beta will step in to lead the pack when their Alpha(s) are away.

Deltas

Deltas are somewhat of a middle role in pack dynamics. They’re not quite the most dominant but they’re also not the most submissive. Deltas acknowledge Alphas and betas as their Dominants and gammas and omegas as their submissives.

Gammas

Gammas are another middle role in pack dynamics. They’re not quite the most Dominant but they’re also not the most submissive, but more submissive than deltas. Gammas acknowledge Alphas, betas, and deltas as their Dominants and omegas as their submissives.

Omegas

Omegas are the least dominant in pack dynamics and often operate in a service-oriented capacity. Omegas recognize all others as their Dominant.

Service Pets

The role of “Service Pet” is a particularly interesting (and helpful) role in the pet play world. Service pets are typically characterized by their dedication to serving their community, making sure their fellow pets and pet lovers are enjoying themselves (especially at pet play-oriented social events), and (to a lesser extent) the “role fluidity” that accomplishing these goals often requires. Service pets tend to adapt “on the fly” to accomplish these goals, switching between different roles as needed (and even switching between multiple roles in a single situation to do so). A service pet may even exhibit the qualities of a Handler or Trainer if it means allowing another pet to enjoy something like a mosh.

Handlers

Handlers are are a form of caretaker in the pet play world that are responsible for the safety and care of pets. Members of this role typically do not identify as animals or and may or may not experience headspace like pets do, but rather behave like someone who owns and cares for a “bio-pet” (a pet that at the biological level is the animal they present as, such as the family dog or cat). A Handler may have one pet, multiple pets, or no pets (some Handlers may choose not to have any pets of their own).

Trainers

Trainers, similar to Handlers, are a form of caretaker, but Trainers differ in that a Trainer may not collar or assume ownership over any pets of their own (similar to how a family may take the family dog to a trainer to learn how to sit, lay down, go to the bathroom in the right spots, etc.). Rather, a Trainer helps pets learn concepts like discipline, commands, and the occasional trick.

Social Events in Pet Play

Moshes

Moshes are among the most common social event found in the pet play world. How I tend to describe a mosh is simple; it’s like taking a dog to the dog park. Moshes are effectively events in which pets can play with one another as well as the Handlers, Trainers, and other folks who are there with them. It’s common to see pets play with toys, wrestle with each other, and generally socialize while in headspace, but there are also opportunities for more casual experiences like cuddling. Handlers, Trainers, and those in more supportive roles tend to be responsible for making sure the pets are playing nicely with each other and playing safely, intervening when necessary to ensure everyone involved has a good, safe time.

Moshes (in my experience at least) tend to be held in private spaces, such as a private home or a venue catering to the kink community, but may also be present at conventions or bars.

Munches

Munches are social gatherings that tend to be “vanilla” in nature (some refer to this as “Safe for Work”) and may even require all attendees to participate sans-gear. As I like to think of them, munches are more of an opportunity to connect and get to know the “players” in pet play before the gear goes on and headspaces are in full swing. Common expressions of munches include coffee shop meetups, picnics, and lunches or dinners.

Gear

When you envision pets or pet play, chances are you envision one or more people wearing items that help them appear more pet-like, such as hoods, tails, and paws. These items are commonly referred to as “gear.” Despite this, it’s important to recognize that you don’t need gear to participate in pet play. While gear can help pets enter, enjoy, and (when the time is right) leave their headspaces, the more important part pet play (and specifically engaging in pet play as a pet) is the state of mind (“headspace”). Don’t feel pressured to spend hundreds of dollars on gear if you’re not sure if you like pet play (after all, gear can be quite expensive). In fact, it might be easier to start with inexpensive gear (though I don’t like to recommend it, Amazon tends to sell less expensive knock-offs of the more expensive gear) or no gear at all.

Collars and Collaring

Collars can hold significance in the world of pet play. While it has become more common to pets to buy and wear collars for themselves to help support their headspace or “complete the look,” collars tend to be used to signify that a given pet has a formal Dominant of some kind (such as an Alpha or Handler).

What Does It Mean to Collar a Pet?

To collar a pet is to establish a formal relationship with that pet, similar to how one might formally establish a romantic relationship. That is, collaring is often considered akin to “going steady” or, in some cases, getting married. With this said, collaring doesn’t necessarily have to include a romantic connection or component. It all depends on what the participants in the collaring have decided best fits their needs and desires. One important thing to note though is that in high Leather protocol, it’s traditionally expected that one does not engage with a collared pet without first consulting their Handler, Owner, or collaring Dominant (or the pet themself). Collars may include a tag specifying who a pet belongs to, or the pet may tell you in some way. With consent of the pet, checking such tags can quickly help distinguish what kind of collar the pet is wearing and who to talk with (if anyone) before engaging the pet further. For example, my pups wear collars which include a tag engraved with their names and information on who they are collared by (me). Someone meeting them for the first time may check their tags (if I’m not around or my pups haven’t shared the information) to determine that they are collared by me.

Self-Collaring

The practice of self-collaring has become more visible recently. Self-collaring, or the practice of pets buying, making, and wearing their own collars, can mean different things to different pets. For some, it may simply be an aesthetic choice for a pet that doesn’t have a Handler (i.e., the pet chooses to wear a collar they obtained for themselves for the look). For others, self-collaring may be symbolic. For example, a pup may self-collar to make a statement that they’re taking ownership of themselves and their lives after going through hardship in their life, such as a bad breakup.

Consent

Consent is a CRITICALLY important component of pet play, especially when pet play makes its way to the bedroom. While I think this topic warrants its own post altogether, I’ll point a few things out here:

• Make a practice of asking for consent before doing anything to or with a pet. With this, it’s important to understand that a pet in headspace may not be willing or open to talking like adults, rather they might communicate as their pet to indicate whether someone is or is not okay. For example, if you’re a Handler and you approach a pup with the intent of playing with them, offer your hand to them first to gauge whether they’re interested in interacting with you and pay close attention to their body language and any verbal communications before proceeding.
• Headspace is not consent. Even though a pet might not want to sit down and have a full-blown “adult” conversation while in headspace (nor should you typically expect them to), they generally have ways of communicating that can be used to determine if a pet is up for something.
• Gear is not consent. Similar to headspace, the presence of gear on a pet does not grant anyone consent to do as they please with a pet.
• Respect collaring.
• Pets, remember that you should get consent from other pets as well before playing, wrestling, or something else, too.

Sexuality

Returning to an earlier point, there is no “right” way to enjoy pet play. However, many choose to incorporate some level of sexuality into their practice. With this said, pet play does not have to have any sexual element (that’s up to you to decide).

Handler David (he/him) is a Handler based in Salt Lake City, Utah, USA. As a member of and advocate for the pet play community, David likes to bring his inherent drive to support and care for those close to him to his practice as a Handler. David’s key accomplishments in the pet play community include his roles as co-leader of Utah Pets and Handlers (UPAH) and Dog Noises and his work to educate both within and outside of the pet play community on topics such as pet play, kink, and consent. As a soft Dom, David enjoys the duality being an affectionate caretaker to his pups by day and harnessing his Dominant side by night.

David’s personal mission in the pet play community is to bring forth positivity and continue to study and educate about the power of pet play, headspaces, and the impact of celebrating kink and queer lives. In his spare time, David enjoys learning, organizing, and audio production.

Have Questions?

Feel free to reach out to David at handlerdavid@proton.me.

Anthro Weekend Utah (AWU) is a furry convention based in Utah, United States. In 2025, AWU took place August 1st–3rd.

An Introduction to Pet Play Panel

David co-hosted a panel at AWU with his pup, Zander, entitled An Introduction to Pet Play. This panel was based on the post of the same name on this website, but added additional context and conversation about pet play and how to get started with it.

The panel took place on Sunday, August 3rd, 2025 from 7:30–8:50 PM in Stratus 7 & 8.

Here’s the official description for the panel:

Have you ever heard terms like “pet play,” “pup play,” or seen someone in a vibrant-colored dog, cat, or some other hood, and wondered what that’s all about? This panel is the place for you! Join Handler David and Pup Zander for a crash course on pet play and its foundational concepts (followed by a Q&A) and leave ready to explore a new side of yourself!